i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize