buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
