The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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