it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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