I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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