She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
