Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
