Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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