the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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