They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
