I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
