So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
