I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize