it was like his penis was on wheels.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
