hotel room ftw
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
