I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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