Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize