PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
