My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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