i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
