You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize