please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
