I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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