I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
