It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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