Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You have to summon your inner elephant
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
