Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Green mimosas i think yes
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
