She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize