She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
