Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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