What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
