Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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