There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
