im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
