Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
