Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
