why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
