she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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