The maid of honor just puked.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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