Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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