Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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