Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize