I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He better not be in your backpack
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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