Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
