note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
