So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
