Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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