He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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