I'm so fucking centered right now
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
