Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
