I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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