My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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