Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
