I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
