i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
did i walk over a car last night?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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