Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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