Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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